Depression can be a very lonely illness and your relationships
are a key part of how you cope with your depression. You need
friends for support. Not just good weather friends but friends
who can support you when you’re down. If one of these friends is
also depressed it is not necessarily a bad thing. You can
understand each other and perhaps be there on each other’s bad
days (but not if you’re having a bad time at the same time).
However, you need to be conscious when choosing sexual partners
that your depression will have altered you as a person. It is
likely that the person you get together with when depressed will
not be the person you want to be with when you are better. When
you are depressed you are a different person – you may not even
know who you really are – but your partner will be with the
person you are at that time. Also, depression alters your view
of the world and therefore your view of other people, so your
view of your partner will not be the same when you are better.
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t start a relationship
when depressed. On the contrary, it could be the best thing for
you. It may provide the stability you need to start working
through your problems and you may be able to talk to your
partner about things you can’t discuss with anyone else. Your
partner may be the only person you can relax around and start to
feel yourself again. Issues may arise that hadn’t before and
wouldn’t have come up if you weren’t in a relationship. On the
other hand, you may find that you keep up the pretence of being
the person you think you ought to be. There is also the
possibility that the relationship could fail before you are
ready - perhaps due to your depression. This will make you
worse. Either way, the stability may give you the space to start
seeing things differently and the confidence to start seeking
therapy.
However, what I strongly advise is do not start a relationship
with someone who is also depressed. I am not a doctor but I do
have 25 years experience of depression and there are two likely
outcomes of this sort of relationship. Firstly, one of you will
get better, you will split and the other will get worse. The
reason is this: if you are simply friends with another depressed
person you can help each other and if one of you gets better you
can still be there to help the other one with your understanding
and advice. However, if you are in a relationship with another
depressed person and one of you gets better and you split up
then the other person will have suffered the end of their
relationship plus the loss of their friendship and support. By
all means be friends with other depressed people, we all need
friends when we’re depressed, but wait until you have both
recovered before you think about starting a sexual partnership.
Depression is a difficult illness to really get rid of. Once
you have had it there is always the possibility of a recurrence.
If you have recovered from your depression but are still in a
relationship with someone who is depressed it is very difficult
to stay recovered. Also, you may find that you want to get out
of the relationship but feel trapped because you know that the
other person will get worse. The stress of this may send you
back into depression. This is the second outome - you will both
remain depressed.
There are two remaining possible outcomes - the first is that
you will both get better and stay together. I believe this is
highly unlikely but not impossible. You will both be different
people when you are better, with different views and
personalities from when you first got together. You may still
like each other but want different things. It would be great if
you both manage to help each other through depression and out
the other side but the normal stresses and strains of a
relationship make this unlikely.
The other outcome is that one of you will get better and you
will stay together. I think this is the least likely to happen.
If you recover from depression and live with someone who is
depressed you are not likely to be really happy. You may still
remember the feelings and understand but there may be an element
of "I got through it so you should be able to as well." We all
know that's unreasonable as part of depression is the feeling
that you just can't try any more but don't people always say
that ex-smokers and the worst critics of smokers?
Bear in mind that a long-term partnership is not necessarily a
bad thing when you are depressed but please think about the
consequences of getting together with another depressed person.
Try to help each other and be there for each other but keep
enough distance between you so that you help each other and not
bring each other down. In other words, stay friends and don’t
live with each other, at least, not until you know who you
really are.
About the Author: June23 maintains the
http://depressiononlinesite.com - a collection of articles for
people living either with depression or with someone with
depression.
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