Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married
for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever
to him, and had no idea how to start. “How do you start a new
relationship?” he asked me in our counseling session.
“What are you most concerned about?” I asked.
“Sex,” he answered.
“What about sex?” I asked.
Pause…. “Well…performance. What if I can’t perform? What if I’m
too nervous to perform?”
“Okay. Let’s start with sex.”
In the 35 years that I’ve been counseling, I’ve discovered that
the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to
have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex
too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are
just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if
they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex.
Let’s take the example of Yvonne.
Yvonne is a lovely young woman in her middle thirties who
really wants to get married and have children. She has no
trouble meeting men, but the relationships don’t last. In fact,
they rarely even get started.
The problem is that Yvonne often believes what men say to her
early on in the relationship. The last man she dated a couple of
months ago, came on really strong. He told her on the first date
how wonderful she was, how he had rarely met anyone like her.
When he came on sexually, she resisted, although she was really
turned on and attracted to him. He suavely said to her “I bet
you’re worried that if we have sex I won’t call you again.”
“Right,” she said. “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.”
Well, he answered, “I’m not that kind of man. Can’t you tell
that we’re really connected to each other? I haven’t had such a
good time in years! Of course I want to see you again!” Yvonne
agreed that they were having a wonderful time. She put aside her
inner warning signals and had sex with him. Sure enough, he
never called her again.
The reality is that, no matter how wonderful things seem on the
first or second date, this is not enough time to deeply care
about someone. And sex without deep caring might be a physically
satisfying experience, but it is flat emotionally and
spiritually. It will almost always leave both people feeling
like something was missing. Without love and caring, it is easy
to move on to another person, another conquest. It is easy to
dismiss the encounter - since something was missing, it must not
have been the right person. But these two people never gave
themselves a change to see if they were right for each other.
They jumped into the most physically intimate of experiences
before there was any emotional intimacy. They tried to get the
intimate connection through sex, but great sex is an outgrowth
of intimacy, not a cause of it. Without love and caring, any
problem becomes too much to handle, any deficiency or
imperfection becomes cause to move on. Physical attraction is
never enough to see people through the inevitable conflicts that
come up in primary relationships.
Deep caring comes through spending time together getting to
know each other. It comes from months of laughing together,
crying together, discovering what is deeply endearing about each
other. It comes from having conflict and getting through it to
understanding each other on deeper levels. It comes when two
people let each in on the soul level. You need to love someone’s
soul before you will be willing to go through the challenges
that come up in all relationships. Without that depth of love,
it is just too easy to leave.
So, what I said to Brad was, “Take your time. Don’t jump into
bed until you feel so safe with each other that even if the
first time you make love you don’t get an erection it won’t ruin
the relationship. It may take months or longer before you feel
that safe with someone.”
“Months? I’m supposed to wait months before having sex?”
“Brad, I don’t know how long it will take for you to feel loved
and loving, safe and deeply caring. It depends on how much time
you time you spend with each other. It depends on how honest you
are with each other. It depends on how you each deal with
conflict. You will certainly not feel safe until you have
conflict and see how the two of you handle it. What if you
discover that your partner completely shuts down or gets enraged
in conflict? Will you feel safe if you are worried about her
reaction if you can’t perform? All this takes time. What’s your
rush? Is it sex you want or a relationship you want?
“Okay, I got it. I want a relationship. Whew! I actually feel
some relief knowing that it’s okay to take my time!”
About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
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